Blood.
I woke up choking on my own blood.I do not advise this.Not choking on my blood or any blood for that matter.I thought I was going to have a fucking coronary.
All over my face,my sheets.Clots running down my dry throat.hack,hack,hack And I have to clean it up.
It”s is now 8:51 am and I am still in pain.I spent 2 hours in the chair getting yet another tooth ripped out of my head yesterday.The root canal failed,I repeat,the root canal failed.I feel like the skull on the Jolly Roger,although what the fuck he had to be so happy about is beyond moi.Think tender.Think chasm.Think lack.I can”t eat or sleep.And yeah,I cried.So I have been up all night driving myself insane.Googling all the wrong things.You would think that when in such pain I would be nice to myself right? Righhhhhht?
Getdafuckouutahere! Are you shitting me? I decided to go on a loaded landmine tour of my fucked up loveless existence complete with photographic proof. Roll up! Roll up!
Brilliant.
I am gonna be out of the race for at least a week.This is not good.This could send me over the edge.Not impressed at all.That means no training.( William Dafoe at the end of Platoon as he runs out of the jungle chased by the NVA and Charlie Sheen looks out of the chopper horrified. Bang! bang,bang! Dafoe falls to his knees in slow motion….William Dafoe is my self esteem at this point.Which makes the jungles of Vietnam my gym? Charlie Sheen my cowardly departing resolve?…hold on,ok,um forget it….) That means I am going to lose my motherfucking mind,well what’s left of it.Life wants me dead and I really do get to wondering why I don’t oblige it at times like these. I was trying to think of all the good shit in my life and there is some at long last but it’s sure as shit not saving me today.Ok,so not being able to eat works in my fat asses favor,that’s a good thing,right? You can’t get fat on air and blood.
What else,what else,think woman! Ok,Tell you whats weird…….. I have been thinking of California.As in Going back. ( but feeling Minnesota…) Now how about them apples? Keep in mind that I still have a panic attack when I think of catching a plane,Fuck! I feel ill when my train passes the airport,but still.Rebuilding myself once again. ( am i able?,can i do it?,is it worth it?….)
I have me a few rare but mighty persistent friends. Friends who still see me ( Bless them!) in front of a band once again ,no less.I want it ( at less and less fleeting intervals) but I have been so poisoned. I swore that I would bury myself alive in the boonies and not risk it all again but then I remember…it kinda,I dunno,creeps up on me,slithers into the soft grey folds of my addled mind,plays soft shoe fucky with my frontal lobe.I remember just what those amps stacked up around me make me do,all that electricity,the shapes and sounds that tear their way out of my corpse and wouldn’t ya just know it ? The last year has seen me writing.That’s right rabbit. Big evil screaming hurts.Autopsies on babies and cancer riddled cripples of things dragging themselves round legless on skateboards,just begging I tell you, for a band to want to bring them to life…curiouser and curiouser huh?…….
Some shit just don’t fly with me and my battered acoustic/autistic act-shun.Nuh-uh.Can I get an a-men up in here? I want 8 ohm. I want raw power mama….
Now, let’s just say I got me an all star band that just happened to need a singer that they wanted to give, say,total fucking carte blanche to,that just happened to believe in me.And then let’s just say that maybe I had paid some dues,taken my lick’s and done some hard fuckin’ time.Let’s just imagine that I had learnt from the mistakes I have made and a fair few years on the road. Allow us to pause and ponder for one red hot moment that I had maybe rebuilt myself out of barbed wire,mercury ,scars,loathing ,revenge fantasies and defiance when no one was looking.When they had all written me off…underestimated,let’s say.Hold fast in the knowledge wouldn’t be the 1st time that had happened…..
And then someone just happened to hand me a microphone.
And my own ticket to write.
Now,what do you think may happen then ?
Life is not done with kicking my ass,I know that but maybe,just maybe I am done with kicking my own for a while.And that is something I didn’t think was ever gonna give me a look in again.
I don’t know.Its nice that people still want to work with me,that they still see something worthwhile in me.From the filmclip the other weekend (” You like me,You really,really like me!”) to the solo shows played and yet to come and now offers from my much missed west coast.(” get here and we’ll do the rest….”) Am I ready to get back in the ring? Well,not fucking today that’s for sure.Blood all over my REO speed-wagon t -shirt.Lament! Sheets.Fuck! Looked like some one got murdered.
3 years today since Skoota died. I lost him and Michelle within weeks of each other.Some shit you never get over.Death and broken hearts. That’s my short shit list of the utterly insurmountable.Tell you what shoved my fat ass over the edge? Losing my forever.When he and I ended,I ended for good.Losing the love of my life was the break point.All the shit that I had held at bay for so long broke though the gates and trampled me.And here was me thinking that love was going to save us both.Oh my sides.Look up “idiot” in the dictionary,personally? I don’t think they got my best angle in the photo but I am prone to nitpicking.
The west is the best Mr Morison….I fear returning.All the memories like tripwire but to limit my fast failing future at this point? C’mon! Everybody loves a train-wreck right? I have nothing left to lose right? It’s all gone. Love.Being loved.Sex.Gone.He gives that to some hatchet faced Hollywood whore now.Not me. My once believed in future.So if I don’t have to worry about all that,just wrangle my ghosts and cry myself to sleep…well!
Looks like it could get interesting again.
We shall see.We shall see…..
Glad to see that even when I ain’t doing shit I am still a pioneer. Some ding dong ( Ok,Otep) basically remade a film-clip that I did over 5 years ago.But hey,they say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.Made me smile.So,do you try so hard when there is no one looking honey? Oh yer so cute! I bet you do! Y’all should pucker up and kiss my trail blazing whitetrash ass.
Finally working on the sketches for my back piece. Better to get inked in the cold I think.Hopefully be starting on it next month.
Can I just say that these painkillers are turning my stomach to mush.I have gotta try and get some sleep.Hateful.I hope I can sleep soon.The last 3 days are feeling hallucinogenic.I only got about 5 hours in and that’s only because I passed out with the pain.Thought I was going to have to crawl home.To tired to walk to the store.Princesses get a glass tower and a prince.Me? I get an asbestos shack in the suburbs with the ceiling falling in and PMS>Its been said before but I wont hesitate to say it again…
“Michele Madden.All Class.All the time”
