Bile.

I plum forgot to get out of bed today.

Bear witness to the most boring decline in history.I did one load of laundry,came back to bed,slept for two hours.Got up,weighed myself.I am now 22 horrific pounds overweight.I then ate everything in the house in random order because I knew that getting dressed and going to the store was not going to happen.

I am such a crappy extremist and I have been here before.I get it wrong and then with complete malevolence toward the self I sit back and see just how wrong it is going to or has to get before I do something about it.

While I sat on the tattoo shop floor at 4am last night Laz was tattooing Luke’s foot with a very realistic skeletal structure in grey and black.I fed Luke a candy snake and sighed.

Laz enquired sweetly to my well being as the powersource hummed behind him and gave life to the machine in his latex clad grip.

“I am in a rut” I sighed while the boys played poker with Luke to keep his mind off his mind.Remembering my long ago foot tattoo I winced in sympathy.

“Rut eh?” Laz drawled the vaseline slick on the fast filling skin beneath the ugly florescent glare “Happens to me every six months or so,you need a vacation”

“Only one problem with that” I said

“What that?”

“I would be there”

He gave me that look.The one that sees everything and made his fantastic old Greek man face that makes me feel all of nine years old.I went and got my usual salad and caught the 1st train home.There was some fat yob in a whitesnake tee-shirt in what I like to think is my exclusive carage so that put me in an even worse mood….which has led me to here.twenty four later in my mess of a room trying to work out why I am so broken.

I don’t even have the “Fight or flee” instinct anymore .I have the “Weep and pass out”.

At least when I am angry I tend to be busy.This is fucked.

I was meant to call Miss Emma tonight and slept through that.Read a schlocky 400 page novel and then cried through a spate of crappy 80’s movies.That in itself points to nothing but being premenstrual.( Why would you settle for Andrew Mccarthy when John Crier was so cool as Ducky or for that matter why not just hook up with mush mouthed James Spader? Ahem, my evergreen penchant for the boy who will do one the most damage,how early your evil seed watered by endless low self esteem is planted…) That and the fact that my tits are the size of volleyballs.And I have a zit on my ass.Being Polish that is a brain tumor.

I have lofty plans and stunning intentions but they all want to come to rather noisy fruition between the hours of 2 and 6 am when the rest of the house is asleep.This house thing is going to lead me to my fucking grave.Lilli’s younger brother is sweet and all but….I hate living this close to other people.It is going to drive me spare.I drink tea all night and have a bladder the size of an infant and then I feel guilty for creaking around going to the bathroom.The White Tigers both have have day jobs.Not windmill tilting and epic procrastination like your slob scribe here.Who am I kidding? I need to get a disability pension and live in a yurt in the middle of nowhere.Me attempting to relate to the human race is never going to get any better.

If I am going to continue to get it wrong with such rabid consistency why not just cut the cord for good and go.The only thing that really keeps me tied in is guilt? I guess….I am so fucking loused up and I seem to have misplaced the rose colored glasses that have enabled me to get thus far.

Can I lay some of this misery at the feet of my birthday? Don’t mind if I do.My Ma was a kid when she had me.That was why she had to give me away.She didn’t even admit to herself that she was pregnant (“That only happens to girls out west!” ) for the 1st four and a half months and I have been picking up the slack ever since.

Deny.Deny that I am here.Try and skate through my life with zero commitment to anything and a list of aliases as long as my arm.Change the color of my eyes with cosmetic lenses,new hair,fat ,thin,pull all my teeth out and start again.Because even as fuck all but an ill planted seed I fucking knew…..

I knew then just as I know now.

I used to wonder,you know,why love never lingers by the likes of me.And for my lost “him” for that matter.It’s because the thrown know.We were conceived with the knowledge,it’s in our marrow,our blood.We spend half our lives attempting to enthrall the masses and the other half denying ourselves and everyone we cross paths with.

I follow his pattens effortlessly, without even trying much like I follow my own because they are the same.I won’t talk,make contact, if I am ugly and hating myself as I am right now,he won’t if there is new ass afoot or if he is on a tear.It all comes down to good old fashioned garden variety embarrassment.

(gee wiz shucks fucked up again)

And I speak for my fat self here when I say that I bore myself because I know better and  still I let it slide.I read somewhere once that if you don’t grow up right then you never get to grow up at all….I am doomed.

I had it good.Its not all Dickens and the Jerry springer show you know.My family,the one I ended up with,really tried to love me,gave it their all but I am defective and the older I get the easier it gets.I tend not to fill the spaces or bridge the gaps.I don’t want it for the sheer fact that I know that when it comes down the wire I am not meant to have it.

No harm.No foul.

I wondered why she didn’t get an abortion.I have thought about it my whole life.Because she wasn’t pregnant you see? Denial.I was born a ghost.A magnet for the damaged.No wonder my greatest peace comes only when I am running and starving.And blessedly alone.Escape and denial.If I could find my shoes I would be running now.They are buried under all my crap.I wanted to get up and start sorting yesterday but my depression covered me like the sweetest quilt and lulled me under.

The brother is now tap dancing up and down the polished wood hallway that runs outside or rooms.Think cheap rent woman.Grrrrrrr.

I think that I am only here,in this town,this house because I have no where else to go or be and I quite frankly do not care.I could be here or anywhere.Lilli is as constant source of amazement to me putting up with me.Not a gift that I take lightly.I wonder if I will ever care again.It shimmers like a mirage on my periphery some days but what is the point?

Miss Emma sees me pulling away,as far as I can and is every so valiantly trying to tempt me back into living again.A year since I stood side of stage at Metallica and deep in my battered heart I hoped that I would be so much further along by now and I wonder why he is and then it occurs to me that maybe only one of us bet that farm and who would have thunk it?  It was moi.

Idiot.

So this is birthday bile at its finest.And I still have evil days to go.Why do people insist on trying to force me to celebrate this shit??? Not that I am.I think I have successfully dodged decades.Misha Bliss sent me a text from France where she and her beloved cheese eating surrender monkey are married and happy in the south.She is magnificent and oh so missed.She also has the right idea.A text.That’s it .

Perfect.She cooked me dinner last year bless her.

I am going to find a bell tower and get sharpshooting.I am going to amputate the last limb of redemption and kindness that foolishly keeps extending itself back to you…..You ain’t gonna care about yourself why the fuck should I?

I don’t hate ya,I save that all up  just for me.