String.

Well, I made it to the shower.

Washed my mop of hair 4 times until the water ran clear.Blunted a razor on the vast expanse of leg that holds me up. Thought about which disease I would use as an excuse to get out of the show tomorrow night and sighed.( Leprosy).I then proceeded to break a string on my guitar which means I will have to leave the house.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.

Its going to take me hours to get out of here.I file it under “Way too hard” .Messages from my Dr’s clog my inbox.Because I am hiding out again.And I was asked today on a long distance line why I am so hard on myself.I replied sobbing and raw as sashimi…..

“Because I failed”.

“Why must things be so final? ” was the next question.

Well,because they are.

The low cloud is pushing my headache right to the front of what’s left of my mind.It feels like impending doom.I should have been a nun,a mad aesthetic,a vision seeker.As it stands I am a car crash with an unreliable voice,30 pounds overweight, wondering why she bothers.Still can’t wank.Still can’t feel.Still wonder why I care.Whoops! That’s right! I don’t.

And therein is the problemo.

Being awake during the day feels some what novel,quaint even.My depression finally knocked me out and I slept around the clock.Fucking strings.Fuck.It all seems too hard and that’s because it is.I would give anything to go back into one of the manic cycles that keeps me angry and active.Superstitious and mired in mighty routine and how I burned.

Why you so obsessed with me huh? You see the lack in you?

You stupidity is starkly affecting. Junkies are always so busy with so much  nothing.It’s a lifelong study for me.Mired in mayhem.Thinking that they are winning ,pulling the wool over  the world’s eyes.So tiring and sad.

I dreamt of California last night and woke up weeping.How strange to have nothing to aim for or look forward to any longer.Must people always kill what they love? Well! Hot damn! He must have loved me the most then because besides the pesky breathing thing that goes on day in and day out I seem to be deceased.

yawn.

I have got to stop saying yes to shows.I am just some ones washed up ex now.They come to see a car crash.I don’t need this shit.I am good and goddamned if I can work out what I do need but I know that I want for nothing.Amused myself looking at “The faces of meth” website today and doing research on body disposal.Hobbies are good. My dear friend Laz Gein asked me to write a blurb about his brilliant artwork and I was mucho flattered.I am baffled as to why people hold me in any kind of esteem at all.

I am only writing because I am putting off the day outside.I have to go pay more money at the gym.This time I will not pay them in bags of twenty cent coins.They were not happy or even vaguely amused with that effort last time.Then on my wild string hunt.I HATE the day time and all that dwell in its tame and tedious ranks.There are people out there peopling all over the place and my fuse at this point is non existent.

Sooner I do this the sooner I get home.

later…..

So,I got into a fight on the train with a fat Asian man who was eating a pear like a rabid pig going after truffles.In no uncertain terms I told him that he was making me sick and to get his ass back to the trough etc etc.To tell the truth I am starting to scare myself.I scared the hell out of him.

Oh humanity how I despair of thee.

My big brother met me outside his gym with a few packets of strings and some words of encouragement .Bless.Everything after that was a blur.But when I got home I had a new Indian headdress,a paid up membership at my gym and the receipt to prove it and a bloody huge bottle of Bulgari Jasmine Noir and a heap of sushi.

I cannot be trusted during retail trading hours.

I practiced for a few hours.Voice wont behave its self again. I don’t think anyone can fully grasp how hard it is for me to get up there when I am on a low  ,last show I did my mind was miles away in a courtroom in downtown Los Angeles and I dropped the ball.Not cool nor clever.Blackie tells me “Well,at least you got your shit show out of the way” .Too kind,too kind….I’m in the upper half of a pretty packed bill and I am going to wear my Indian headdress for courage.I will look like one of the fuckin’ Village People but that cannot be helped.

Kindness and support comes from where you least expect it.

“I tell people how great you are so don’t make a liar outta me….”

Ah,you know better than anyone else .That is a forever thing.

Cleaned the hell out of my room today and found my psychiatric referral for the next blistering round of self discovery that I have been avoiding like Christians and the plague.I think that Elvis is sending me signs.I have a jar full of silver coins that I need to sort and cash to get my Graceland  tattoo next month to honor his greatness and guidance. Time to get back in the ring.Got to.

If I don’t mine enemies shall reign victorious.Will this happen? Will it fuck.

Someone saved my life tonight……