Like a dog without a bone
An actor out on loan.
-The Doors.
Already too late, too late. What harsh lives we lead.
-Helen Garner.
Disaster beckons me.
Wants to get inappropriate with me, have relations with my somewhat desperate battered unattractive self. I want to take something large and blunt, beat myself in the face until my features forget themselves. A car accident.
The train jumps the tracks, there is water,there is darkness, there are hours of no reprive, of lying in agony, feeling myself get leached away from it all.
Self-abuse is no longer large enough baby.
I need an act of god. If I survived tonite I would have no grace or gratitude. I’m not that kind of girl.
My J.Cash Tattoo is next.
Covered in godamn fleabites due to the fact that I am doing all the laundry that has not been done in a year. A bum has gotta pay their way some how. If I rolled my eyes anymore at this point in my life Id fall over, a balance thing I believe. And of course the week that I am left to tend house all the fish go crazy and decide to kill each other. If you want the demented visual? I am yelling at the tank in the dark. In hotpants and a ratty Ministry tee shirt. And I think the catfish are cunts and they did it. Tigerfish on the bottom of the tank with its heart ripped clean out. Fat Tony is laughing in the other tank.
How sad is my fuckin life that the fish consumes me?
Bah.
Got given a cool new watch. Thanks Mr Jay Blurter.Funny how you know “of” people forever and then you meet em at the right time. He gives me all the right kind of grief and I like my life here at times and I guess that’s all you can ever ask for. Right?
Nah .
That’s a lie. In my dark hours and endless travels I ask for heaps but its none of your fuckin business right now.25 years since Back in Black came out and now I can never think of AC/DC with out thinking of Beltsy and I know that KC In Raleigh cant hear Skynard and not think of me. Music, Scent and electricity shall wield the sword of my somewhat sticky undoing I am so sure.
So fuckin hot and I am 2 fisting it with tea at 1 in the morning playing songs that make me remember too much by far. By far meaning they will never let me go I guess.
Found a list of all the people that I want to see again. It’s not very long but it’s pretty concise.
Heres to Him
Heres to me
-K-Cobain 1991.
I Knew/That you would never arrive/but my expectation/made me beautiful/even if it was a lie/next time you arrive at me/1st thing I will say is . goodbye.
Doing my head in by fishing in my recent past. Ross has decided that the clip for “RFS” was too cute or something and has now distilled my manga vision down to zero. All the cute shit has been cut out from what I can work out. He and ash amaze me. Pushed me to get out of my shell and work with my despised gender and now that I have done it and done it well for the first time in my fucking life they are back peddling. It’s “Too gratuitous” huh? It’s a metal disco extravaganza staring me in hot pants called “Rod fuckin Stuart”! I mean C’mon???? Days like this I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say fuck it.
Cool breeze just made its way in my window to calm me down.
Got a couple of cool things in the pipeline for the BDO .You are just going to have to show up.
I do not recommend using the foot of your bed for a desk. My back is fair yodelling with pain. And while on the “what not to do” tip file wanking in the bath with too much soap when over tired I almost came and went all at the same time if you catch my drift.
I think that he said that they were all high. I guess that would be about right. I find myself beating off to the flickering loop of the 3 of them in bed together. She reminded me of a cunning animal, long of tooth and desire. She angled her body towards him every pore open emitting lust. I just sat there and breathed it all in. Hell! Half an e and her crazy boyfriend of of town and I would of done her and her friend as well.
I don’t have a life. I just watch everyone else’s and do 80 minutes at a time on the fucking stair master and dream of seeing iggy search and destroy in 55 days.55 times 24 hours
Fuck.
Pornstar has the best theory. Don’t know if I have run it by y’all before but he thinks that after you fuck someone and feel dodgy about it they should explode.Nice.Miss terror is right into this as well and wouldn’t you know it we saw an exploding fuck of mine who ended up stalking me. I am well informed that several AVOS have been taken out on him since then. No wonder I have kept my pins crossed for so long.
Back to Sir Iggy and Rock and Roll ..
Blackie got to meet him on the 1st ever BDO then he gave me MY 1st BDO and now I am onto my 3rd and Blackie is freezing his ring out in Europe with The Hard Ons..Monkey left today. They are meeting up in Paris for Xmas.Rock and Roll loving with out the Lear jets. Cant wait to hear the fables.
Me? I aint got shit right now.A fat ass and a fading tan.
I can’t get it right today. It has taken me 9 hours and 4 loads of laundry to get to the foot of my bed to type this. I was stumbling round Marrickville metro in my roommate’s clothes like Alice down the hole, Alice that’s coming from Miss Terror I am so sure. Lifted a pack of nag champra and went to Woolworth’s where Jasco called me as I was trying to remember the rudiments for this kind of crap. This kind of crap referring to day-to-day living. I was walking into people and bemoaning my lack of net connection at home at the moment.
Poor fucker listened to the told and me that my bass player seems to be in high sprits and I was all butthurt that he hasn’t called me.
Back at the gym and aching all the way. Hate my corpse, I tell it so every day. Newtown can go and fuck itself as well. I don’t know man .
There you go, you caught me in a lie. I do know and that’s the agony of it.
Miss Terror has a far more involved life than I do. I have all the structure, she the know-how. It’s a good place to meet in the centre of. The weather has been oppressive and I have been eating nothing but fucking rice cakes. You could stick a Ming vase up my ass and use me as a packing crate.
My life is nothing but old Cds and dread picking. Bloodduster are in the studio round the time I wanted to tour with them and ever since we scored the BDO I have been getting calls from promoters that wouldn’t usually piss on me if I was on fire.
Got to love that.
Our manager gets home on Sunday so I will hand it all over to him. I can feel Ross’s laser eyes burning into me all the way from Europe. I forgot to tell him that we got BDO for a few days as he had given me the impression that he had it all under control anyway.
I try to imagine what I would do with myself if I didn’t do this.
Low clouds and too much rain that’s what does me in. I am just glad to have this week alone. I don’t really get dressed cause there is no one here. Josh sang me “Folsom prison blues ” last nite and I had to hang my head. I returned the favour with Jimmy ray Vaughn’s “Dengue Woman” while the others where on a break. Forgot how much I love playing with people whom can jam. I am not dissing my band but in their absence I am remembering where it was that I came from. I got real quiet as my errant brothers always heaped so much shit upon my humble beginnings.
I really owe Miss Terror and the band for this..
So I was in Newcastle then the ACT for more medical crap and then Sydney again.14 days in one place is starting to look like heaven.
Down at The Sando with Maggie and the sweet claw. That girl is in love with love and I am infatuated with endings. Saw an old friend and regaled him with my year in 20 minutes and watched his jaw drop.
In 14 more days it will be a year since you betrayed me. Hows that lack working for you there? Never told anyone what you did cause I have all the code that you don’t. Like I could give a fuck right now. I am rebuilding.
So I am jamming and I keep ending up at The Townie, that salubrious shite hole in Newtown never quite knowing how the hell I got there. The same faces sadden me. I guess that they are happy there but I want to go and shake them and beseech them to go forth. Into what I really don’t know so I keep my trap shut. I musta changed a real lot. I am pretty salty when it comes to theses parts; coming up to a fractured decacde, more out than in and they cling to the past and look right through me. They look exactly the same.
The eavesdropping is good and my nightmares are so bad right now that I have woken up sobbing. Sleep is not forthcoming so I am Mean Street. I am De Nero, Well, not really, I am riding deluxes old bike around Sydney at 2 in the morning and it’s a good place for me and my recently re awakened long dead heart to be I guess.
I see that we are on a show in Canberra on dec 17th.Nixon wont return my calls so I guess that I wont be able to inform them that half my band is awol till the start of the year. Not that I know. They don’t tell me shit. I got a message from our Producer Rob in LA the other day informing me that faith must be kept and that the boys arrive in LA in 2 weeks.
I think the only reason I am writing tonite is cause I felt like such a space cadet mewling to Jasco trying to find cheap laundry powder in isle 6.
I don’t want to be wanted by my past. By the ones who gave me away I can’t get there. Saint Tina told me that we would talk about it when I was home but we didn’t get around to it.
I don’t know how much I have to say on it all. Took me my whole life to deal with what I had to deal with and I don’t think that I should have to adjust my set because they found me.
Like I’m so fuckin hard to find.
As always I look at all that goes on around me and ask “What do you want and what is it going to cost me”?
Sat in your warehouse with your broken heart and you told me that I was beautiful and I rode home soaked to the skin wanting to heal my few friends and their big lives. I cross the road to the park and smile at the gold foo-dogs outside the ugly house. Gardenias are scenting the wet low summer and sometimes you can get to be more than ok. Sometimes not. You know the deal. I lie on the grass by the pool and smirk as the local spooky kids do shocked double takes and the bold ones come up and say hi, ask me what the band is doin. .
This is a load of ass and I have to go and get that rotting tigerfish out of the tank before the fucking crayfish totals it. Rock and roll so exciting non? Training day tomorrow and I am paying for all my sins don’t y’all worry about that. SF4L
Michele.
