Unbeing dead isnt being alive.

-E.E Cummings.

Ive laid with the devil
cursed god above
forsaken heaven
to bring you My love….
-PJ Harvey.

Outside gets in,
Ive been out before but this time its much safer in.
-Kate Bush.

My wise English friend Jooles took me out for Sushi the night before I fled what Ross is refering to as “The frozen Tundras” Which I feel is very Dr Zhivago of him.He is the only person besides Me to use the word “Tundra”

…digression….
And he told my hurt self over wasabi and tuna sliced so fine that in melted on the tounge that “So much can be forgiven just by seeing someone again”…I looked down into my thimble of green tea and prayed that he was right.

Forgivness is hard enough…How sorry is someone ment to be and for how long??? [“Pretty fuckin sorry and for-ever” whimpers my inner brat…]

Its the forgetting that is draging my rotten ass over the coals yet again…..

[ As if on a cycle /not lunar like blood / but some other exclusive one for her alone/ Without warning or reason /She would commence starving herself /And / Shamefully that is when found her at her most beautiful / Her already epic features became a stunning parody/ She became her own christ /Ate of herself alone and got saved / flesh crippled and needing no crutch /she voided and faded / When they fucked / her ribs bruised.]

I roadied for 3 tonite.I do it cause he is a bro and plays like a motherfucker.I got asked by another drummer to do the same for him …I have a speedy tear down you see….Thanks to being roadie for No#1 son for so long…I turned it down….The hardest thing in the world for me right now is walking away from a stage after setting up on it….

Fuck Me and fuck that right?

Everyone can sleep except for ol’stupid here.I have been enjoying emails from some of you who share my cronic insomnia and I must say that some of your suggestions are both cute and disturbed.Some,I admit,strangly arousing but I am pretty fucked in the head when it comes to that kind of thing…Hello Kitty with fangs…The Easter Bunny on Smack..Jesus getting buttfucked by Ronald Mc Donnald with a huge strap on.You get the Picture.

Coyotes on Wonderland ave ,snackin’ on toy poodles and trash.I saw a ghost in the alley behind The Aladdin.Taka says “No Engish” and flicks his tiny frame like a front row tent revivalists fan for another shot.Tiny packets of hot sauce from the Taco Sell that say “Do not use as a flotation device”….Honesty/Sanity drained with every colonic ,with every liposuction,with every riot and you would be sated if that blonde on the the cell phone died in front of you and as the car drove by a song that you forgot you loved drifted in its speeding wake and you tasted the blood in your mouth before you fell….

You think that I would be able to pull myself together enough to pick up the phone and call my band would’nt you? The days melt here and as Brett Easton Ellis was fond of pointing out in his early work “People in Los Angeles are afraid to merge….” I am exhaused by the thought of existing here…Of existing anywhere…Falling onto sharpness…Waiting….

I lie awake next to sibling perfection and burn on ugly.I dance on bound feet across memory to get back to you.It only takes 7 pounds of pressure to tear off an ear.You die after 9 days with no sleep.Poor oral hygene leads to heart disease.Cancer gives you cancer.There are too many adds on TV for HIV medication because people got fucking stupid.I imagine that my scars move when I am not awake,that they are gonna keep growing and cover my whole head.Dream that my tattoos all get together and fuck the shit out of each other round about the same time. Her hair was so black and holding tales of circular doorways and lifetimes in rice that it was all I could do to stop myself leaning over the counter and…

Tattooed hands and borders dont mix.In a world populated by “What if?” even busted up I feel like at least I am moving sitting as still as I can…brutal ugly …shadow sipping ring leader of mayhem …self halming corpse…wind her up and watch her carve…I burn my bandages…my pscyche too deeply rooted in the southern swamps not to belive that ju-ju can befall even the most jaded.

With the lights out you felt even sweeter and tigher round my fingers…when I saw you at the market the next day you looked through me and clung to his arm so tight he winced.I dropped my lazy left eyelid and winked at you are you made your way across the road….You cunt….I went home and burned all my bedding…Your scent heavy on my clothes.Didnt hurt,It was just another time that I was right for beliving that people are shit..I smiled.I shouted my instincts to a cheap dinner and a finger fuck while Nick Cave rolled his preacher voice guilt-dippin’-honeyfuck over my bowed sinning head.

Fuck you God, I see no redemption here.

In sum,when in battle
Use the orthodox to engage
Use the extraordinary to attain victory.
-Sun Tzu.

Social grace that I am lacking,I am retarded on discomfort,reared on lies and tounge biting.

I wonder why people care for me the way that they do…what do they gain from this? They write and tell me to stop stealing shit…that they will provide…Am I eating?….The more they want to help Me the worse I feel.I should be alone…I can always talk to myself and the fucking desert is just over there yet I choose to rot languid,small concise circles, in Beauties lazy shadow in what feels like a cyber punk remake of Valley of the fucking dolls.

I have had a moment of clarity.I have not done shit.They are gonna get here take one look at Me and wonder why the fuck they bother….Undone.

[When she held Me, I felt the coke in her heart,like a small fast thing and there was hardly enough skin to really say that we were ever seperate in the first place…the whole world loves a loser when they are high….]

Funny how the people who were talking trash about me on forums a year or two ago write me mash- fuckin- notes now..

And for reading all my shit? I give you what I was not going to and more than likely will regret.

[Miss Annie?…If you are out there I want you to know that looking over and seeing you in the corner, head down, as I sang my guts out on this track,your blonde head nodding in time ,lips forming fast learnt refrains, made it a perfect day for me.You singing it back to me as we sat in the loading dock as the day died frozen just outside the door…….]

A song from the new album…..

-Gear. [In search of perfection.]

Im gonna go out and score a half weight of you
Tie off
Cook you up
drop the cotton into the spoon
Mainline your essence
And shoot myself to the moon.

Im gonna find the right vein
Drive myself insane
Play God with my blood
0.3 of needle tipped love.

I’ll carry all my works on the off chance that I see you
I dont want you baby
I want to be you.

Dont mind the din
Just crawl on in
You in the stream
Im so fucking high
I could scream
I will shoot
It wont stop
I’ll jack up untill My veins collapse
Or untill I drop.

There will never be enough
Im jones-ing out,Im not that tough
The cure for you is black and blue
And im tired of being beaten
Too much shit has been eaten……

Then I will know how perfect feels…
I will never know how perfect feels….

‘nite

SF4L
Michele