Ashes.

I love how we berate ourselves with the words “I should have known better” like its some kind of booby prize.

That it gets us off the rusty hook of our own stupidity.We did no better,we just go by habit,predictability.Easier to run at a loss or settle for second place that run the gauntlet and do it different and fueled by fear. Life is a learned behavior.

And I am a stone cold fool.

But one that is on a diet and getter better by the day. Its a start..

The moon made sure my period hit me at full force.I bled and suffered on public transport to attend a birthday gathering for a sweet young friend that I have come to know and like while working at Club 77.Her boyfriend tends bar and they both come to my weekly shindigs without fail.“Are you a Goddess or a mouse? ” I muttered to my portly reflection while No Doubt filled the air and I applied my false lases as deftly as a surgeon suchering  a wound. A goddess I decided. A big fat one.I rarely leave my domicile and it felt good to do something nice for people who have been so kind to me and my motley mid-week cause.

It was really sweet.

One on my bosses showed up and gave me a lift down to 77 where my dear friend Miss Belle was Dj’ing.Fresh back from San Francisco with all the pills and potions I had asked for from the GNC that I cant get here, bless her.We sat in the half moon booth and caught up for hours.I guzzled Dr Peppers and crowed with delighted at her lovestruck fable that owes as much to divine providence and romance as it does to her mighty will and terrifying tenacity. Just because I am a jaded loveless fuck does not mean that I am not happy for my beautiful girlfriends when cupid strikes. Far from it. If anything I get vicarious kicks.

Its heaven to behold their happiness.

I am a bit teary.Hormones and stupidity. I was looking for Michelle Meldrum’s ashes in my bedside drawer when I got home as I wanted to set them out by the pool by the light of the full moon.They are encased in a small silver bullet with a delicate filigree heart charm attached to the lid.Gene wears her around his neck. I miss her so fucking bad…I told her that she would come and see me here.When I got back after she died I took some of her remains to my shack on the far cost.I buried her beneath a tree that I have sat under since I was a child.

Its on the edge of a cliff. Below ,dolphins surface.

I smell vanilla and my knees go out from under me to this day,that was her scent.I wore it when she was in the hospital so that her young son would feel safe when we curled up together in her absence.

Its not fair.

I placed her by the waters edge with a prayer and then stupidly went back into the drawer.

While on the subject of loss…..

I kept everything.Every boarding-pass and backstage call sheet.Every piece of proof that once I had been loved loudly and worldwide.Amongst it was the picture that the waitress took on my birthday in LA when my parents flew in to meet my future husband and celebrate with us both. I know that were were in love.I know that it was real.

Proof baby…we have the scars,the tattoos….

Back to the here and now.

Proud of myself for going to that party tonight. I behaved like a real human being.Sitting in bed with my Hello Kitty doll hours later I am still shocked at my stack heeled affirmative actions.Who woulda thunk it?

I wallow in my grey matter far too much. For the 1st time in a long time I have really great men and women around me. My rock and roll boys,my compadres ,sending me missives from the road,from backstage somewhere in North Carolina,from carpeted walled recording studios in Los Angeles,from lush tour buses and  busted vans. My strong men,my brothers, who are not afraid of me.My beloved band-mates who get me feeling fourteen,fire-proof and on the cusp of kick ass. My girls. The coolest women in the room and they know my name. The heart breakers and scene shakers and they make much of me while I blush.

I get to wondering sometimes if I will ever be wanted again.If I will ever let anyone touch me. But then I realize that in light of it all and in the big picture,that it really doesn’t matter. I look at what I have rather than what I don’t a lot more these days and that right there is one fuck of a blessed relief. that took its sweet assed time in getting here.That I look at the positive rather that the negative? I never thought that I would say that.

The King is finally cutting my fat ass a break it seems.

I ain’t gonna look a gift horse in the mouth after the holocaust of heartbreak that I have been through the last year or so. Are you shitting me?

I am gonna burn candles and write songs to it! On my ring-a-ding-ding twelve string no less.

I owe my dead. I owe it to them to do what I do.

Seems that they have sent me some mighty good people as well.I am grateful.

I have shit to do here.

I will leave you with the immortal words of Mojo Nixon.

“Hey,hey,hey,get outta my way.!”