Liberate.

Did that thing that I do when I lie around, pinch my fat, listen to mid-70’s rock and try and work shit out.

Stayed in my room round the clock to avoid my male roommate,the pig. I have been feeling so blue for so long about my busted up relationshit. ( note-the spelling is correct) when I got to thinking that its just like everything else that ever drove me forward,that is, if I want it to be.

Rejection and heartbreak is the finest fuel.

The best thing about a)-being adopted and b)– being a comic book fan is that most of my comic book heroes are orphans,disgruntled aliens or foundlings. Superman for example,his whole fucking planet exploded and all he got out of the deal was a fucking cape but did he let that stop him? No, he did not. And he was useless in love as well. Stop laughing! You got to take solace where you can find it.

Well, its always worked for me.

And while I am at it? …Clint fucking Eastwood people. He wasn’t re-reading old texts and crying in the shower in “Unforgiven” was he? No! He was too bloody busy being a fucking bad ass was what he was doing.

I think that when I can jump the hurdle of being unwanted yet again I am going to soar. It worked when I was dumped at birth so I am thinking that if I get my ducks in a row and do this right it should work again. Worth a shot. Maybe mixing with the unwashed masses is my kryptonite. (“Ye gads! I think shes got it!”)

I think of it like its the National Geographic of Rock.Work with me here…. Boys get all their mega expensive cameras and dart guns at the ready and hunker down for weeks at a time by the Waterhole of Awesome ( Located on the Serengeti of Sound if you have misplaced your map. ) They film from dusk till dawn every day,a flock of Hipsters mooch over to the edge of the oasis with their stupid haircuts and split the seams of their black skinnies while trying to bend over to  get a drink ( Note-this embarrassment is what eventually leads to their extinction. Dehydration or hip? Lights out. That combined with their parents telling them that thirty is too old to still be living at home….) The camera men play endless games of cards,drink warm Heineken and eat ding-dongs.They are bored shitless when all of the sudden…..Out from the bush at sunset she saunters,long of leg and sharp of tooth doing great things for hot leather boots and black eyeliner. She sings better than you,plays bass louder,knows more about Lester Bangs,Slayer,The history of the Vietnam war,The Stooges and Hello Kitty than you ever will.She could catch a fish with out a hook ,light a fire with out a match and the way she walks reminds you that you got to wind your watch.

(Digression- Best compliment I ever got? “You are the trailer park Angelina Jolie crossed with a tattooed Victoria’s Secret Angel!” So what it came from a fag? Um hello? Fags have immaculate taste! I don’t care!)

This is it! The moment that they have been waiting for.The moment that they have talked of incessantly and dreampt of! The sunset turns her hair to fire and her thousand yard eyes to ice. She lifts her nose ever so slightly,sniffs and grins right at them with a mouth full of razor sharp teeth. She takes a single step forward….

And what do the boys do after their long wait ? They shit their pants,run screaming and hide behind their fucking jeep.

I kill a few hipsters,flick my hair, sigh and head back into the jungle.

My point?

Boys don’t want the real deal.They want a Hot Topic copy of the dream they they are not hardwired to handle in the first place.

The ass-hats.

Bet they left the lens cap on and all.

When I look at blood ties and where it gets you and then I look at most of the relationships around me I think that I am in a pretty good spot in my life. I am still dead from the waist down anyway. The Dead Kennedy’s should write a song about me called “Too fat to fuck.'” Tried to watch porn the other day.Still feel nothing so why bother anymore? No one wants someone who refuses to dumb down and play second fiddle anyway so there is no point really.( The watering hole debacle dig?) I thought that I had it all,that I had finally met my match and I was wrong so why waste my time thinking about it ? ( “You ain’t that tough girl” ) I know right? Ah,if only it was that easy. I think that I will always think about him but its time to start thinking of myself again.

And yelling at myself to stop wallowing and get right.

Nate drummer, mon amour, got the rough mixes the other day.I got a text from him saying “You FREAKS! I love it!!!” Phew! Relief! I have been listening to them over and over and singing when the house has been empty and I have come up with a heap more stuff. Its exciting. I have not done enough acoustic practice for next week though .Thank Elvis everyone is showing up just to see Blackie anyway. Think that I will rustle up a set tomorrow so I am not going in totally blind.

I feel really rusty. Be fun to go in and decorate the room with my crew and what not all over again. I think that this will be my last run with it though. I’m not captivating enough to do this shit every week and expect people to show up for it,I ain’t fooling myself there. I know that my band needs a lot more attention at this point and its time to pick my battles.

Went to use the microwave before and it smelt like some kind of burnt carcass.That is a battle that I cant be bothered to fight anymore. Word to the wise? Never move into a family set up. You will lose every time.I must of had a brain tumor for breakfast to think that this was going to work out for me. Oh well,lesson learned. The hard thing is that I have lived with Lilli for fuckin’ years on and off and we co-exist really well. It bums me out.The joke is on me,I was told her idiot brother was only going to be staying a few months.

Ha ha ha.

Ok,so in conclusion your Honor, I don’t give a rats ass that I couldn’t get laid if I was an egg and that I live next door to an abortion.No! In the immortal words of my beloved Black Flag I shall “Rise above!” Yes. I will use my isolation and my rejection  to reconfigure and realign myself. I will use my magic for selfish ends. I will stop chanting for his whore to spontaneously combust while they are fucking and I will do my laundry.

“Alone”  is not only a rad song by Heart,its the word that sets ya free….if you want it too.

And I do.

Liberate.