Don’t.

 

Waste your time.

This is nothing to be sad about.This is not a pity party. It’s just fact. Look at it like this,in a world where you are fed so much shit,this has got to be somewhat,how shall I put it?

Refreshing. Yes, that’s exactly what it is. Refreshing.

I’m not sorry to be  blunt , but the objective here is not to waste any more of your time.Your time is precious.You know that. I know that. Use and delegate it wisely.

So let’s not, shall we?

Good.

I mean ,you can do whatever you want but I think that you should do something else,ok? Just my opinion..No.Its not you.Its so me.

( Lower case /will wipe that smile off your face/keep you in your place/down….)

I just can’t do it you know? I can’t sit around and engage .

I know that you are trying to help me, but from me to you? It’s not going to work and disappointing you on your “Save the broken” mission makes me feel even worse,if that is possible. ( It is.) You are a fucking diamond and I know that your heart is in the right place

But just don’t.

I mean I think that it’s great and all that you still care,I think that you are great.It’s a testament to your tenacity that you are still checking in, thank you,really,but I have got nothing.

Nada. Sweet FA.

It’s all gone and I can’t seem to get it back. It’s just the way it is.I don’t see it popping its head up anytime soon ,so best you get on with your shit. I’m done.You don’t want to hear it. Fuck. You think that I want to say it? Every time I say it it drives itself deeper into the core of me. 

Fail.

 I want to be able to tell you how I am over the hump (“Yey!), that the nightmares have stopped (“Woooo!”) , that my therapist thinks that I am a bonafide long legged miracle on the old recovery front (” F-oooorrr….  she’s a jolly good fellow!, for she’s a…..“) …I’m not, they haven’t and she sure as shit doesn’t.

 So that’s that.

Its lost .That last skerrick that I was holding onto for dear life. Gone. 

Can you do me a favor before this reaches its conclusion? The conclusion being that you give up with  no ill will between us. We shake hands.We part. Remember me when I was cool ok? Well, not cool . I never was. But better than this. You know,not completely insane.When I was good maybe? Good will do nicely.Can you do that for me? 

It will be my last ask.

Lock that in and if you ever think of me that’s the picture that will come up. That’s nice isn’t it?. Wipe what I am now. Because that’s what I am trying to do….

I can’t trust you.Calm down.Its not a slur on you personally.I can’t trust anyone. I don’t believe in anything anymore.I don’t want you near me. Having anyone near me makes me weak. Makes me fall apart.And weak?  Weak  is not a good frame of reference for me right now,not a secure situation, take my word for it. There are better things for you to do. I offer no returns. I’m not a wise investment.

Nothing has changed on my end,not for months now and I feel bad when you want to hang out,see me,chat,whatever because I have got nothing new to tell you. No great advances. If anything I am more diminished in the triumph sector as every day passes. And it’s not your fault or problem.It’s all me from here on in.The problem being is me hearing that you care makes me being a fuck up just hurt and hammer me even harder.

Because you are so nice to even give a damn.

Am I making any sense at all?

I don’t have many in my life. So I guess that I care about you. Whatever the fuck that is worth right now. Let me be blunt. It’s just words at this point. It’s worth nothing.I’m worth even less. Fact. But that is not to say that I didn’t once feel.. I did ,with my whole stupid heart and this is where it got me, so…..Look, if I could  give you anything  I would, if I had anything to give, being more the point,but its empty rhetoric,its a fairytale…So me failing all the time has gotta be getting boring right? Right! So go! I don’t want witnesses.

Please go.

I am wrapped so fucking tight right now its all I can do to get one good hour out of twenty four.

So if you think that you wanna see how I am doing?

Don’t.

I’m fucking begging you.

Just don’t.

You are a cool person.I can tell. So go and be happy with the other cool people who are not stockpiling weapons or are not socially retarded. I’m not trying to be a cunt or belittle you.

Really.

Honest injun.

You are a better person than me. Draw solace in that. You are.

I can’t handle kindness anymore.

I’m not kidding.I get nice? From you? From anyone? Someone,some shop assistant who is paid to do so, in a fucking store tells me to “Have a nice day now!” and I don’t know if I want to destroy them,cry or throw myself under oncoming traffic.It slays me . And I can’t take it. I’m finding it harder and harder to get up.

So yeah, nice and kind and all of their relatives are out.

Capiche?

Its 4 in the am. I just trained for the 3rd time in 24 hours. My body thinks that its has the patent on cortisol production at this point in the proceedings.

Brute physicality is the only place that the shit sloughs off  my battered self ,the only place I find peace,even for an hour or two. The only control I have is over my corpse,my mind is trying to wipe itself out, so I push myself to break point.Its a whiteout. Static. Where the memories that destroy me hour after hour fall away.

That is where I have to be and you are not welcome.That’s harsh.Let’s say not invited.That is a touch easier on the eye and feelings.Look,you wouldn’t like it anyway.

See,you don’t need that.Some unhinged idiot who is pathologically dependant on her bench-press.

Great. Just magic.

You just go and be your fantastic self. No,I am not being sarcastic. No,I am not taking the piss. I mean it .

Go on now, git.  

I have to be where I am. You don’t have any reason to be. Don’t martyr yourself on it. I’m not a worthy cause. I would have no problem informing you if I was, believe me.I would be soliciting for donations. Just know that I appreciated you and your extending yourself.

I keep putting this badly don’t I?

Please leave me the fuck alone.

Thank you for the messages that I never reply to and inviting me out to shows that I don’t turn up to and stuff. You are so kind.You are a good person,no doubt. You and I both know that I am not gonna leave my shed right? I will be up all night lifting weights or writing or just lying wide eyed in the dark.That’s what I do. And that’s ok.

I talk to myself.

I don’t know why you bother.You are kind and sweet to do so, it touches me and therein lies the problem. I don’t want to be touched .Mentally,emotionally or physically. Please fucking stop. What I am trying to say, is that , I really wish that you wouldn’t. I’m not gonna lie. You are going to  ask me how I am doing and trust me, no one needs to know.

I’m shit.

It’s,I’m, not a solid bet.Maybe once but not now.Its both naive and generous of you but its not going bring any returns.

I am the human black Friday.Pull your stocks now.

This is a recording.The number you have reached is not in service. w-3-88-4. This is a recording .The number you have…….