Widow.

Its late. my mouth tastes dry,chalky.I grind my teeth lightly. I have been lying here for an hour trying to find the right words.There are none so I slouch on towards blessed,too short unconsciousness. The world is asleep and I keep watch. I wont sleep for hours.

I tried today. I got on trains and did things.Miss Karen in town for the weekend. A dirty carrion bird of panic strutting behind my ribs. So many people. My hearing hums like a cheap TV. And I tried. I tried to be a friend. The friend that my friends knew. I’m  so brittle. I laugh too loud and too long.I try too hard.I don’t last long….its a flare you see?

I want to go home. Please. I have to go.

This is the 3rd time I have tried to write tonight to calm myself down. I think as long as I can still do one thing…even badly as I am doing this .I think of stories and they leave me hanging. I got nothing but this dateline from the killing floor. I’m biting my nails for the 1st time since 2007. Memories king hit me out of nowhere. I laughed till I cried today thinking of how I had been accused of fucking some old Swedish guy who I had never met in my life who had a girlfriend in Melbourne or something. Some 50 year old with a fucking  kid??  Please!?? Trust me,at this point?  If I don’t laugh I will die. Fuck. Dying gives you less wrinkles I am so sure.

Why isn’t there formaldehyde face cream?

But I have to tell you.Nothing is very funny anymore.

I brought a sign in Chinatown today that translates into “Double Happiness” I lit a candle in front of it and I thought of you. You are all I think about. I play the movie of us over and over in my brain. I miss your salt. I miss us when we were us. There was never anyone else for me,you idiot .There never will be.

I lost all my photos and the rest of my hard drive. It kills me. Just another thing to kick my ass…But I still have one picture. We are on stage in Berlin. If you ever wanted to see what a woman in love looks like this is the picture to prove it. I am leaning into you.One hand on the mike and you, just you is making me smile. So bright.I had never looked so alive and beautiful.

Its black and white and we look like history.Like Gods.Like the picture that would illustrate the first chapter of forever.

At least I still have that.

Its all I have got.

There is this perfect 4 seconds when I wake up. Because I think that we are still us and everything is alright. I had a referral to another Doctor the other day.Forms to fill out that give me a headache.

Name: Michele Madden. D.O.B: **/*/****.Marital status: Widow.

Because that is what it feels like. This loss. I carry you in my heart. I have for many years. Nothing can compare. There would be no point even trying.

So I don’t try. I run. I don’t answer the phone. I don’t answer letters. I stay plugged into the I-pod you made me and I imagine that a some point,somewhere in the world you may just be listening to the same song.

( I miss holding hands so bad…)

I am hopeless you know? But when we were hopeless together I believed that we could make it.

I find it hard to believe in Elvis anymore and that is fucking with me on subterranean levels.

You are where I always knew you could be again. I never stopped believing in you.But you know that…

I was your biggest fan.

Christ I’m tired.