The damp night drives deeper into my soul.
-Walt Whitman.
I wanna be sedated!
-The Ramones.
I think about ya’ll alot. I know a few of you and I am touched by your trust but I am not gonna sit here and tell you that I Have any answers to anything. If you have ever met me you know to file that under “Duh!”. I am stumbling round in the dark just as much as you. Its kinda a relief to bump into someone else out there in the great big fuck all sometimes.
None of us really have anyone in a traditional sense. I think about this too much. Well, alot anyway. And by the by? Fuck Tradition! I am just some uneducated dumbshit that fronts a band yet you tell me shit that you would never share with your own blood….I would never betray you. Do you want to know why? Because I have been betrayed my whole life.
I want to write about you. To let you know that we are all in the shit together. When I am there with you I feel like I am worth more than the shit that they pinned on Me from the day I was conceived. If I can make you feel somthing,Anything that saves your ass even for one second we are winning. Its worth it.
And no motherfucker can take that away from us.
Shit…I don’t even know your names and I spill myself all over your screens at four in the morning and I still don’t know why. I guess I wanted someone to tell me that it was Ok to be a fuckup, that it was not some kind of crime. There are more of them than you. That is never gonna change but there is something so appealing about one scream in the darkness.
The shit that you send me astounds Me. I keep it all. Files of it. This is between you and me now, do you get what I am saying?. Beyond the music….Its inside the fucking sound now. I don’t mean to be getting all heavy and shit but I am on a jag. You are alone. You are always gonna be alone no matter how many people you fuck, how big your family is, if you are with someone till the day you die.
But when there are 400 of us in a room together I couldn’t think of any other way I would want to be “Alone”.
I hope that you feel the same.
I get so tired but I wont back down and I will never shut up. I don’t care if this reaches one or a million of you. I wanna tell you something that I remembered the other day from when I was real young. I have a brother. We don’t see each other a real lot. He is a solid citizen. He is a good guy. We are honest. We have fuck all in common but where ever he is in the world right now I wish him the best. I remember Our mom asking us what we wanted to be when we grew up. I must have been round five or six and I remember Jr had alot of ideas of what he wanted as four year olds are prone to. He was real vocal. Had it all worked out. I didn’t say anything until she turned to me.
“So Shell-bell? What do you want to be when you grow up?” She said smiling at me.
“I wanna be great” I said
“At what darlin’?”
“I dunno….I just wanna be great”.
I still haven’t grown up but I do still wanna be great.Somthing tells Me that you are not meant to admit that…So fuck it. I don’t think that there is a master plan and I don’t think that you are meant to have all the fuckin’ answers. Humans explode just like anything else when under too much pressure. All I spend my time doing is looking for clues and I know that I am not alone or you would not be reading this right now. The only difference between you and I is that I am writing this and you are Reading it.
Tomorrow when I hit my inbox it will be the other way around. I like the way that we all trade. You and I. I think that at 4 in the morning you sikfuks are the only solid I have ever known.
Everyone has a sad story. There is always gonna be someone better off than you or worse off but no matter what happens out in the field there is only one you and that you are irreplaceable. Once you are gone you are so gone….and if you stop? If you die? if you walk away? they win.
The least you can do for your own memory is to go down swinging.
Small victorys.No one can take anything away form you. Hold on……
I love that line in Scarface when they pull Tony Montana in for the 1st time to bust his balls and one of the cops says…
“Every day above ground is a good day.”
No shit.
I annoy people just existing so I win and if I win? We win.
We are not so different you and I.
I am just a bigger target and maybe and keep in mind, this is a massive late nite assumption, have less to lose.
I am not gonna tell you who wrote this but I am gonna share it with you….
“I’ve never seen anyone like that before.,She preached a poison Gospel for the unloved ones.The tribe that would not admit to itself. The ones with no anchor.Beating herself endlessly.I have never witnessed such blatant duality. If She was as smart as she thought she was she could have ruled the whole world and all that it contained. One night ,I saw her move, glide, through the doorway of some inner city shithole dive..Lit by some inner Vengence.Fuled by this flame that just lit her up.And as .My friend ——- called to her she spun blind on feet of glass and….but it was a long time ago and it doesn’t matter now.”
It was unsighed and touched Me in ways and places that I didn’t know existed. I tried to reply. I had so many questions but the address was dead. If you are out there tonight?
You are beautiful in a way that I could only ever dream of being.
So, here we all are joined by outlaw sound. All the good shit? That is what is gonna cost you the most….but remember that that is only if you measure by their standards. Make your own. Code, religion, path whatever the fuck you want to call it ’cause it may be the only thing that you ever really have to call your own and it may be the one thing that saves you.
This is a sentimental as you are ever likely to get me but I went through the file that I house you all in tonight and the measure of sheer talent and passion that you possess left me speechless. I shit you not. There are over 1000 emails in that motherfucker and I sat here plugged into my Discman and read them all. I hope that I ,in time answered then all as well as you wrote them to me.
Fuck being enigmatic.If you have to try to be something your not. Bottom line Ok? Do it or don’t. You don’t have time to fuck around I don’t have time for that shut-In a numb world full of shit ya’ll take time out to get to me. To tell me shit that needs to get told.
You are all strong and you amaze me.
I am lucky that you are on My side of the fucking wire and that is a fact.
I went and had a moment on the shed roof thinking about all those kids that were used to defend this island. 19 year old cannon fodder most of the time. I said my thanks, lit a candle and then got my cold old ass back inside.
Mikey getting high cleaning the bathroom [That bleach will do you in every-fucking-time] me waving my axe handle round like some crazed dictator yelling about MC5 [ So?…Is it a date then MFR? Huh?] and Rollins and Bad brains covering “Kick out the jams”, B* rolling A-1 joints and making Mikey all nervy with her knife handling skills, Lex here cause her flatmates are insane and Nanda doing her homework after seeing Radiohead last night with her super cool husband [Fuck! feels cool to write that!!!]
I live in a fucking madhouse.Wouldnt have it anyother way at this point. Just sitting in Keith watching it all unfold [“Why did you call your sofa Keith mish? inhaled lex passing the joint back along to the B*.”Cause he is old,leathery and pure rock and roll” replyed little Miss- got- a- fuckin’- answer for every thing here!] True story though.
I am out.
“Stay Gold” as SE Hinton would write…..
I am and will always remain.
SF4L.
Michele
